Meet the Characters

Now gather ‘round and hear the tale of wondrous Zyngia,

A kingdom known for magic and outbreaks of chlamydia.

Let’s learn of the poor characters ye shall meet ’long the way,

A sadsack bunch of reprobates, all of whom cause much dismay.

Melanie

played by Rhea Seehorn

In the proud tradition of all disgraced journalists fired from authentic media gigs, Melanie Hughes has started her own podcast. Her investigative “journalism” into the paranormal, plus some unresolved Daddy issues, leads her to Zyngia (via a portal in a magical IKEA wardrobe). There she embarks on an adventure that will determine the course of her life, the fate of an entire world, and potential sponsorship from Mint Mobile and/or Shopify.

First we have fair Melanie, a cynical podcaster.

With no career nor friends, her life ‘tis a disaster.

Daddy issues compel her to search to find the truth,

Yet—‘tis she ready for what lies through a magical IKEA booth?

Stan

played by Bobby Moynihan

Oh come on, like you’d turn out any better if your mom became the chosen one of a fantasyland and never let you visit? When, as an adult man-child, Stan finally got the chance to make his mark on Zyngia, he screwed up big time. Now, at last, he has another chance to set things right, after a quick beer run back to Earth. Priorities.

Then there’s Stan, a man-child, whose life ‘tis an overreach.
His first visit to Zyngia turned the land into Myrtle Beach.

Azzran the Lion

played by Steve Little

No heavy-handed Christian metaphors here, just a good-old-fashioned former lion king living his best life in a retirement golf course community. Loves Werther’s Original candies, confuses 1990s sitcom plotlines with things that happened in his own life, and spends his spare time cleaning his cat anus (but not necessarily the other parts).

Azzran the Lion ruled the land with fair and steady paws.
These days his mind is largely gone from too much cheap Shiraz.

His kingdom a mere golf resort, he whiles away his time,
Imbibing treatments oft prescribed for dyspeptic old felines.

Bobby

played by Timm Sharp

Stan’s best bro, who stumbles into Zyngia and sees the magical land for what is is: a place where a sword-wielding enthusiast with a couple of community-college business courses can work some real magic, and earn serious coin in the process.

A two-year college drop-out, and rabid Renn Faire fan.
He stumbles into Zyngia and hatches up a plan.

Like any corporate asshole, or VP for a private equity,
He plots and schemes to gut the land with cold efficiency.

The Dark One

played by Jon Hamm

Most Dark Ones of fantasylands go on and on at length about their evil plans. This one mainly prefers to discuss his penis. And really, who can blame him? His erectile health is part of an amazing longevity-enhancing treatment plan that you simply must hear about!

The eternal villain of the land is really quite a genius,

But ask him to explain his plans, and he’ll go on and on about his penis

Marrakesh

played by Lauren Adams

A wise owl and Zyngia’s Department of Homeland Security, she protects the border (between worlds) with just that right mix of brain-tickling riddles and complete cosmic power over life, death, and reality.

This mystical owl protects the land by quizzing interlopers,
Her riddles suck and could be solved by tykes or dim-wit dopers.

Milo Godard

played by Eric Martin

Ain’t he a gem of a human being? Everybody loves this down-to-Earth, regular guy who hosts America’s most beloved syndicated radio show, Getting to the Bottom of It. Now that he’s stumbled on the last-known recordings of lesser podcaster Mel, he aims to share them with his devoted audience. But not without a very healthy does of smarminess and ego.

Clip Clop

played by Mark Little

Upper half: humanoid.

Lower half: goat.

Midsection: adolescent boy discovering himself for the first time.

Occupation: owner of Zyngia’s once premium vaping shop, but now competing with the local Big Lots.

Flying Tony

played by Devon Hyland

Once, as an ageless pixie wonder, he defied gravity itself. Now he can’t so much as defy the elves challenging his management style at Big Lots. At least he’s got a decent stash of Yonder Weed, Zyngia’s homegrown hallucinogen, now taxed by the current government.

Seamus

played by Brian Stack

This leprechaun chaffeur of flying cars lost his Lucky Charms long time ago, and please don’t ask what he’s got in store for you at the end of the rainbow.

EDDY THE PREPOSTEROUS

played by Mark Proksch

Looking for laughs? You’ve found ‘em! This gryphon ranks in surveys among the top comedians in Zyngia. Granted, comedy is new down in Zyngia, but audiences cry for his unique blend of prop comedy and ethnic humor (which he gets away with because he, himself, is a gryphon and a minority).

Professor Rimblepoor

played by Kris Siddiqi

This “Boy Wizard of the Last Prophecy” never got to actually fulfill his prophecy, thanks to Stan’s mom entering this magical world and doing the job for him. But at least now he gets to run the The Wizened Wand School of Magical Enchantment and pursue investment opportunities and multi-level marketing schemes, so at least that’s something.